Last night’s dreams

I’m gonna stop trying to do the whole “hello internet” thing because I think it’s kinda stupid. This is not a news blog, I don’t write interesting articles; this is just a personal blog and I don’t need to introduce myself every time I post something to it. I wanted this blog to be more interesting, but I really want a place to talk about random stuff so no professionalism; I’ll save that for whenever I have a serious thing going on or whatever.

Actually, I just had an idea: I’ll use this as some sort of therapy. I try to explain to the reader what is going on in my mind and I get to arrange and organize my thoughts in the process. I’ll try to make sense, but then I’ll probably stop trying to, though it doesn’t matter what makes sense to me because maybe something different makes sense to you. I could keep saying random things but the post is already two paragraphs in and I still haven’t touched today’s topic.

Today I woke up very confused and kinda disturbed. I didn’t sleep well, I had nightmares, and I even woke up multiple times during the night. I pay a lot of attention to my dreams and nightmares because they give me tons of information about my mental state. I have more dreams and nightmares when I’m worried about something or simply stressed than when I’m happy or just fine, and almost all of them seem to be related to the problems I face when I’m awake, so when I have a dream like last night’s I know that something has to be fixed. Not only they tell me when something needs to be fixed, but they also help me come up with solutions, they help me see things from a different perspective and even let me try some things in a controlled environment, like that time when I jumped out of the window or that time I got my throat slit… I’d say that was fun, but it was actually scary; though I think I became less suicidal after almost dying in my dreams, so that’s good. Also, sometimes my dreams are bilingual, which is funny because I always thought that one language is not enough to give words to every though; that’s why I’m learning a third language, so that I can understand even more things.

Anyway, last night I had multiple dreams. The first one started ok, it was even nice at one point; I think there was a party, and the person I mentioned in my last post was there, a friend of mine was there and everybody seemed to be having a good time. I was enjoying it until I started to notice that some things were off, wrong, misplaced; suddenly the whole thing started looking terrible, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed earlier. To my eyes, the dream was not really a nice dream, but a trap. A misshapen Frankenstein’s monster made out of random memory pieces badly stitched together. When I realized this and the whole thing started to fall apart, everything froze around me, and then I noticed someone was looking at me, the only person that wasn’t a deformed memory. I looked at them and asked without speaking “Well shit, what now?”, to which they answered with a shrug. Then the whole thing sped up again, it surrounded me like a tornado of broken things and noise, and then I woke up. I immediately started remembering stupid details, like some names that I heard in the dream which were also random name parts put together in a way that made no sense; like for example “Muto Core”, whatever that means. I also remembered that my voice didn’t sound like the voice I have when I speak out loud, but the one that I hear when I speak in my head, which is more calm and slightly deeper. Also, everyone seemed to either have changed their face at some point or I hadn’t seen their faces right the first time. I can’t remember any other detail right now. I can’t remember if I checked the time when I woke up that time; I know I did check the time, but I can’t remember when.

The following dreams only became more and more blurry each time.

I remember being in a park with lots of people sitting all in the same place forming a perfectly shaped square when some men wearing gas masks and goggles appeared and started spraying everyone with what I assume was some sort of disinfectant. Then everybody, including myself, was wearing white clothes, but mine were stained with black dirt and something red. Everyone noticed and started chasing me, so I started running away from the park. Then I came across two ladies whose clothes were also stained, they looked identical, they had the biggest and darkest eyes I’ve ever seen, and they told me something that I can’t remember now but made me less worried in the dream. I’m sure it had to do with the stains and it probably was something along the lines of “you’re not alone” or something like that, because it made me feel stronger and helped me fight, quite literally, my way through the horde of people that wanted to kill me.

After that I woke up again, and then I had another nightmare, this one I can’t remember as well as the one before, my vision was blurry and everything seemed to change often. I can only remember walking into a building with many doors on the outside, I was accompanied by someone, but I don’t know who it was, they were talking to me about some things I’ve been thinking about a lot lately; like how I feel about not being able to see that person that I mentioned earlier… you know, calling them “the person that I mentioned earlier” is long and can lead to some confusion, so I’ll just call them N for no reason, just a random letter that doesn’t give out any information about them. Now, who should I apologize to for interrupting myself in the middle of a sentence? Myself or the reader? Apologizing to oneself sounds narcissistic, so I’ll apologize to the reader for that. I’m sorry and I will continue in the next paragraph.

As I was saying; I was accompanied by someone that was talking to me about my own feelings and thoughts, specifically how I felt about waiting to see N again and how my impatience would eventually make me give up on them. They said that we were going to a place where I could forget about it. Then I remember speaking to a naked woman, she tried to seduce me, but also said that it was ok if I just wanted to talk, but I don’t remember if I talked to her after that; I think I just told her that I was worried and then asked her and the other person to leave me alone. They wouldn’t leave me alone, they even crawled up to me when the dream was ending, I felt trapped, but somehow managed to get them away from me and woke up again.

The next one I can only remember as some images and a couple of words. There was a stage and the same woman from the previous dream was on it. Then I was on the sidewalk in front of the apartment building where I used to live, but next to the building was an old and abandoned looking house, almost out of a Halloween movie or something, and there was a kid telling me that they didn’t like my mom because she told something to someone, but I can’t remember what it was. That’s all I remember.

I woke up with a headache, confused. I spent some time thinking about the nightmares during the day and I came to the conclusion that they were some form of test, a test of strength and willpower, and I think I passed it. All throughout the dreams I was told to give in to my impatience, to settle with what I had and forget what I wanted, but I didn’t. I didn’t fall for the fake N, I didn’t get caught by the murderous horde, and I didn’t let the naked woman seduce me. And that’s what I’m gonna do when I’m awake, I’ll fight my way through my obstacles; I won’t give up, I will practice my patience, I will not settle with the cheapest alternative.

Everyone says that if something isn’t hard to accomplish then it isn’t worth it, and I didn’t have it easy on anything. Maybe everything has been this hard so far because there are great things coming my way soon. And even though I know that it will be really hard to get N’s trust and love, I know I’ll do it, and it will be worth it. Maybe I’m being too optimistic on the whole “great things coming my way”, but I want to stay optimistic about N.

That’s all for today. I’ve been thinking about starting an ant farm, so I could go read about that now, or I could go to sleep and hope that I will get some actual rest. Whatever, have a nice weekend.

Getting this out of my chest.

First things first. I need to get my thoughts straight, because I got to the point where even my mom tells me that I look troubled. Last week was crazy, so much happened that I can’t believe it did; it feels almost like the universe is playing a very elaborate prank on me or something. Or maybe it read my mind and made this happen on purpose. Or maybe I was thinking about it that much because it was about to happen. Whatever.

Before I start vomiting words into the keyboard, let me make it clear that this will be just me doing that, vomiting words into the keyboard. I just need to get this out, tell someone, and since I can’t tell anyone around me, it seems just right to tell the internet, where nobody knows who I am and nobody even cares about who I am. Telling everyone without telling anyone at the same time. I’m starting to like paradoxes even more.

Basically, a series of very unlikely events started to unfold as the week progressed, and now I’m confused and impatient to see where all of this going. To the reader, what I’m about to say may not sound so important, may even sound relatively normal, but for me it’s unbelievable. You know, sometimes the routine consumes you so much that anything slightly out of the ordinary can seem out of a movie, but this isn’t it. It’s because of the way I am and because of my stupidly unpredictable luck that this has my head spinning so much.

I had been dreaming and thinking constantly about this person, who was a lot older than me and I barely knew, for months, you could say I had a crush on them or something, I don’t even know what it was anymore; they made me really curious and I must admit I always felt attracted to them since I met them. I would see them in the bus or on the street every now and then and panic when even thinking of saying hello. I tried to get them out of my mind, because I knew that it was an almost impossible thing. And there’s the problem: ALMOST impossible; not completely impossible, just enough to have me thinking that I could try but not enough to convince me to give up immediately. However, I got really tired of my own attitude towards this kind of problems, you know, never lifting a finger, giving up before trying, waiting for the opportunities to pass me by, etc. That’s why I decided to give it a try: I told myself that the next time that I saw them in the bus I would talk to them and try to find out a couple of things about them; like, for example, the thing that had me the most worried, which was the possibility of them being married.

Then, when I thought I would never see them again, guess what happens? I see them on the bus. They sit right next to them. I talked to them and I was so surprised at what I found. They looked boring when I met them, but I immediately started to notice some things that were off with the image I had of them. From their body language to the things they said, I noticed that there was more to them that met the eye. I couldn’t be happier than that. Not only because I had found a gem hiding in plain sight, but because they said they wanted to talk again, and told me that if I ever wanted to talk to them, I could do so. Of course, we were friends on Facebook for some odd reason, even though I avoid using it as much as possible, but I couldn’t let this opportunity pass me.

The next day I tried to contact them, but my internet was not working, so I had to wait one more day. Then I finally managed to gather enough courage to say hello, and they answered. I rolled on the floor out of happiness. We talked, they showed me some things they had written, then they made all sorts of strange questions. It was great. I found out so much about them with that conversation, became more curious and intrigued, more interested. I want this person close to me, I really do. I gave him my number with the excuse of not liking facebook, not being able to login often or something like that. I felt didn’t start singing “Call me maybe” out loud only because I felt like the situation was already ridiculous enough, but I did sing it in my head and laughed like an idiot. Then of course I went back to rolling on the floor.

We continued talking the next day. Some things they said made me suspect that maybe they were interested in me too, and I really hope so. We agreed to meet in the weekend, but unfortunately it wasn’t possible. I’m still waiting to see them. I tried not to give away too much, tried not to seem that interested, just in case, but I lied at first when they asked my age and I still feel a little stupid about that, because it could be interpreted as something like “I’m under aged but interested in you so please ignore my age”. In hindsight, they don’t even seem to be the kind of person to care all that much about stupid things like the age of a person, but it doesn’t really matter; I’ll only be under aged for a couple of months.

Now, we barely talked for a couple of days, they’re sick, so they must be resting and not really wanting to talk. Since I have some time until the next time we see or talk to each other, I started writing an observation diary about them. I do this in my head for every people I know, but this time I want to put it on paper, because there’s so much to see that I can’t possibly remember everything. That way I can also remember what things I want to find out about them next and stuff like that. This is something unique; I will never find such a strange person ever again, so I want to make the most of it. I can’t explain in words just how exciting it is to investigate a person up close, and now not only I found an interesting person to watch, I found a strange person; a weird and unique individual. My findings have to be a secret, sadly, since no one would like to find out that they are being analyzed and observed as if they were some kind of strange alien species; but then again, maybe I shouldn’t expect them to react the same way as another person would. If they do find out, I know how to explain it to them, and I’m sure they will understand, because we both see the world in a different way. We all have different ways of expressing our sincere interest, I guess doing methodic observations and analyzing a person is my way of doing so.

I’ve been really lucky so far, I have a lot of information already. I want this person close to me, I want to know more about them. I love to hear their deep words, I love to watch their awkward but cute body language, I enjoy their presence…

I guess I could continue saying things, but I feel like this is enough, so I’ll stop now. This was barely revised, whatever.

Please snow a lot tonight

Hello, internet, it’s me again. I’ve enjoyed my free time in this winter vacations, but unfortunately, today is my last day of freedom and, unless it snows like it’s the ice age again tonight, I must return to jail tomorrow… I mean school; I have to go back to school tomorrow. I’m not gonna lie, I am anxious about it. I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately because of that, but I guess at least tomorrow I will be so tired by the end of the day that I won’t have any problem sleeping because I will pass out of exhaustion.

Anyway, I did as I said I would and I started playing a Final Fantasy game, but I think I might have picked the wrong entry. I don’t really have a problem with this game, it’s more likely that the game has a problem with me. I guess if you are a FF fan you probably know which game I’m talking about. I started playing Final Fantasy III for DS, and I’m more confused about the franchise now than I was before. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to jump from Crisis Core to Brave Exvius and then to FFIII, who knows, maybe I shouldn’t be trying to play the games in any order. I’ve played some hard games before, and I’m not the one to need a guide for every single step, I like going into a game without completely knowing what I’m going to find and adapting to the new rules and stuff; but this game… this game had me confused since the very beginning.

When you start the game, your character just falls from a hole into a cave without any explanation, and that is pretty much what the game does to the player too; it just drops you in and is like “you want to beat this game? Good luck with that”. The game doesn’t even tell you how to save your progress; I feel really stupid for this, but I had to start over four different times because I had either closed the game and still didn’t know how to save, or because all my party died and I hadn’t saved a single time up to that point. You actually have two options for saving, you can do a quick save, which only holds your progress temporally, or you can do a normal save. In fact, the option was there on the main menu, but it was greyed out. Now I know that I can indeed use the save option, but I have to be on the overworld for that; which means that if I die inside a dungeon I have to start all over again from the last save point, which was outside of the dungeon.

Once I got over those first struggles and got to actually play the game, I did enjoy it. Ridiculous difficulty included and all. I still haven’t beat it, I rage quitted in the middle of the Tower of Owen because had been playing all day I kept encountering enemies but I couldn’t find any sign of progress, but I will pick it up again soon (and probably still not beat it). I also like how the game handles the narrative, there are no cheesy villains, no awkward characters and is a lot more straight forward than pretty much every other RPG I have played. It’s not that I don’t like cheesy villains, I actually love cheesy villains (most of the time), I never talked about my experience with Crisis Core, but here’s a spoiler: I loved it for its cheesy villains more than anything else, I love Genesis, I love Sephiroth, I love cheesy villains (most of the time). My point is: this game is consistent with not explaining things. It doesn’t explain itself in any way, and that includes the story (so far at least). At the beginning, you are told that you have been chosen by the crystals to save the world, period. The end is near anyway, why let you realize by yourself through a series of complicated events that would take up that precious little time that you have to save the world? Better let you know right now, right? After that, you go out on an adventure to find the other three chosen by the crystals and then save the world, stumbling into all kinds of weird situations that just push you to go forward. This is fun and nice, but it also makes the game more confusing. Here’s one situation: you visit a village and everyone tells you about some guy that went to climb a mountain and hasn’t returned yet, your goal is to get somewhere else, but since there’s no way that you can get to that place right now, you go to the mountain and find the guy. The guy has been captured by a dragon, but he doesn’t really care at all, then the dragon shows up and is about to eat you so you run away from it by jumping from the top of the mountain to somewhere else. By doing that, you end up in a part of the map that you couldn’t access before, there appears to be nothing there and, unless you have played the game before or you have read a guide, you are now stuck because your airship is broken by this point, so you can’t fly over the water, and you have no idea that you have to use that new spell the guy just gave you to become tiny and access a hidden tiny village. You get what I say, right? Basically, I had never needed a guide so much in my life. I mean, I sure used a guide to know where to find a special item in Crisis Core, I need a guide to remember where each enemy is placed in Xenoblade Chronicles in order to farm items and complete sidequests, but I had never needed a guide because I couldn’t progress in the main story without it. The game does tell you where you have to go, but it doesn’t tell you how to get there. If I have to point at one major flaw that the game has, it would have to be that one.

Over all, I like this game, it’s nice to play something different every once in a while. To close this off, I would say that it does a lot with the little narrative it has. It certainly tells its story in a different way from other games in its genre; it makes you relate to the characters in the sense that both them and the player are walking in the dark, stumbling every few steps, but they won’t give up (at least the main characters won’t). Though I also feel like the game doesn’t want to be beaten… I don’t know…

 

Moving on to another topic: I downloaded Pokemon GO, even though it’s not available in my region yet. That’s why I don’t really have to say much about it, because I couldn’t play it. I did get to choose my starter though; I chose Charmander, and I named it Tim. I’m an Ingress player (that other game made by Niantic), so I already know that it is good and I’m very excited to play it, I really hope that my favorite portals become pokestops.

I spent most of my free time at home; watched movies, made a drawing or two, played videogames (I completed the available story in Brave Exvius), I even watched Everyman Hybrid and Marble Hornets (yes, that’s why my charmander is named Tim), but I also went outside a couple of times to play Ingress and capture some portals.

I think that is all for today. I’ll try to post again soon, but I can’t say for sure when. I’ve been considering changing the layout of the blog, so I might put some time to work on that, because I still don’t really get the feeling that I want when I look at it, but whatever…

Good bye for now, I’ll go watch a movie, relax, and hope it snows a lot tonight. Have a great week.

My current situation, new Pokemon and FF Brave Exvius

Hello, internet. Today I want to make a post about a couple of various themes. The reason why I’m putting them all together here is because I don’t think it would be worth it to make a full post for each of them since I don’t really have enough information and time to develop each of the themes.

There are so many things happening recently, like the announcement of a lot of new Pokemon, the western release of Final Fantasy Brave Exvius and some other personal stuff.

 

First of all, I want to say that I do have a lot of ideas for the blog, and I’ve been trying to post something for weeks now, but school is being so complicated this year that I just don’t find time for writing. I go to a double shift school, which means that I have normal classes in the afternoon and multiple workshops in the morning, so I end up spending more time there than in my own house. This doesn’t sound too bad, but it’s been affecting me a lot lately. Some days I have to spend up to 10 hours there, and I hate that; not only because I get home too tired to think straight, but also because it causes me a lot of anxiety. After a couple of days spent completely outside of my house, around strangers and people I don’t want to see, it starts to get really hard for me to sleep, my nightmares get worse and I end up isolating myself from the rest of the world, which makes it all a lot worse.

Basically, I’m not having a good time existing lately, and that affects my creativity. Because I’m tired I can’t think, and because I can’t think I can’t come up with better ideas. I could just vomit a lot of top 10s and random lists that anyone can make, but I want this blog to be full of my own analysis and thoughts, so I’d rather wait another week or month until I can write something interesting rather than posting low quality content.

 

Now let’s talk about the good news! New Pokemon were announced a couple of days ago. Not only that, they were leaked a day before the official announcement, so they released the announcement early. I’m not a news blog, so I’m not going to just report what happened, I’m not really sure how they were leaked, but this is something similar to what happened with the first announcement back in February. I wasn’t expecting that announcement and it did really take me by surprise. When I saw a tweet from Kotaku that had a picture of the new pokemon and said that they were real, I first thought it has a joke or a very good fake, but then I saw the videos and I started liking them.

The new pokemon are called Charjabug, Vikavolt, Bruxish, Togedemaru, Drampa, Tapu Koko and Cutiefly. To sum it all up very quickly; Charjabug and Vikavolt are the evolutions of Grubbing, who was first revealed at E3 and is now confirmed to be the early game bug type of the region; also, Charjabug could be called Charjabus and still be fine, because it looks like a bus or train. Bruxish is really ugly but cool at the same time, it has a good ability and people are already suggesting that it will be very good competitively; sometimes I accidentally call it Brexit. Drampa is the derpiest dragon type ever, some even speculate that it is Duncesparce’s evolution, but I don’t really think it’s possible, as they don’t even look or sound similar. Togedemaru is obviously the Pikachu clone of this region, it has a nice typing and I’m not sure if I like it or not; it looks like a mix of a hamster and a hedgehog, but with too much hamster. Tapu Koko was mentioned in earlier trailers, it is the guardian pokemon of the first island and I think I’m gonna have to cover it some other day because there’s too much to speculate on this one. Lastly, there’s Cutiefly, the cutest Pokemon ever, and definitely my favorite of all the gen 7 pokemon shown so far; when I play those games, I’m gonna catch one and call it Marzia.

 

Last thing I want to talk about in this post is that I started playing Final Fantasy Brave Exvius since the day after its release in the international play store, and I love it so much. It’s addictive, I like the gameplay a lot, the characters are interesting, and it is Final Fantasy. One thing that puts me off a little is that the game automatically set itself to Spanish and changing the language to English will take up some extra storage space. Spanish is my first language, but I don’t like it as a translation language for videogames, especially for RPGs. I’ll probably end up talking about videogames translations and my problem with Spanish translations sometime in the future, but not now.

One thing that I want to point out to is that the dialogs between the two main characters, Rain and Lasswell, really make me think that there might be something else that they don’t tell each other or the player. I’m not sure if this is something specific for this translation or if it is the same in every language, but the way they say the things they say makes me suspect many things. Almost every time the protagonists have a discussion, there is enough tension to make me wonder why they’re friends at all, I really wonder why Lasswell still follows Rain everywhere even if he never agrees with him. Anyway, I still have the full game ahead of me, so maybe these ambiguities will be cleared up later. Maybe my suspicions will become true, or maybe it’s just that these characters don’t really match very well together and the story is just awkward, but for now I’ll hope this is not the case and that there will be something deeper behind those lines of dialog.

Overall, this game is better than I expected. It’s so much fun, and starting early only made it better. Sure, there are almost no guides about it and I still don’t understand how half of the mechanics work, but I get lots of cool stuff for being there. I might write more about this game when I make more progress, but for now, this is all I have to say about it. Also, I only played one Final Fantasy game, Crisis Core, and I loved it, so I will try to start playing another one sometime soon, maybe I’ll share my gameplay here or something once I figure out which one of the hundreds of FF games I should play.

 

Before I say goodbye for today, I want to say one last thing: winter vacations. They’re not really vacations, but I have two full weeks free from school, so maybe I can make more posts during that time.

That’s all for today. If you want to recommend me a specific FF game, feel free to do so by leaving a comment on this post. Thanks for reading and have a great week!