I’m gonna stop trying to do the whole “hello internet” thing because I think it’s kinda stupid. This is not a news blog, I don’t write interesting articles; this is just a personal blog and I don’t need to introduce myself every time I post something to it. I wanted this blog to be more interesting, but I really want a place to talk about random stuff so no professionalism; I’ll save that for whenever I have a serious thing going on or whatever.
Actually, I just had an idea: I’ll use this as some sort of therapy. I try to explain to the reader what is going on in my mind and I get to arrange and organize my thoughts in the process. I’ll try to make sense, but then I’ll probably stop trying to, though it doesn’t matter what makes sense to me because maybe something different makes sense to you. I could keep saying random things but the post is already two paragraphs in and I still haven’t touched today’s topic.
Today I woke up very confused and kinda disturbed. I didn’t sleep well, I had nightmares, and I even woke up multiple times during the night. I pay a lot of attention to my dreams and nightmares because they give me tons of information about my mental state. I have more dreams and nightmares when I’m worried about something or simply stressed than when I’m happy or just fine, and almost all of them seem to be related to the problems I face when I’m awake, so when I have a dream like last night’s I know that something has to be fixed. Not only they tell me when something needs to be fixed, but they also help me come up with solutions, they help me see things from a different perspective and even let me try some things in a controlled environment, like that time when I jumped out of the window or that time I got my throat slit… I’d say that was fun, but it was actually scary; though I think I became less suicidal after almost dying in my dreams, so that’s good. Also, sometimes my dreams are bilingual, which is funny because I always thought that one language is not enough to give words to every though; that’s why I’m learning a third language, so that I can understand even more things.
Anyway, last night I had multiple dreams. The first one started ok, it was even nice at one point; I think there was a party, and the person I mentioned in my last post was there, a friend of mine was there and everybody seemed to be having a good time. I was enjoying it until I started to notice that some things were off, wrong, misplaced; suddenly the whole thing started looking terrible, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed earlier. To my eyes, the dream was not really a nice dream, but a trap. A misshapen Frankenstein’s monster made out of random memory pieces badly stitched together. When I realized this and the whole thing started to fall apart, everything froze around me, and then I noticed someone was looking at me, the only person that wasn’t a deformed memory. I looked at them and asked without speaking “Well shit, what now?”, to which they answered with a shrug. Then the whole thing sped up again, it surrounded me like a tornado of broken things and noise, and then I woke up. I immediately started remembering stupid details, like some names that I heard in the dream which were also random name parts put together in a way that made no sense; like for example “Muto Core”, whatever that means. I also remembered that my voice didn’t sound like the voice I have when I speak out loud, but the one that I hear when I speak in my head, which is more calm and slightly deeper. Also, everyone seemed to either have changed their face at some point or I hadn’t seen their faces right the first time. I can’t remember any other detail right now. I can’t remember if I checked the time when I woke up that time; I know I did check the time, but I can’t remember when.
The following dreams only became more and more blurry each time.
I remember being in a park with lots of people sitting all in the same place forming a perfectly shaped square when some men wearing gas masks and goggles appeared and started spraying everyone with what I assume was some sort of disinfectant. Then everybody, including myself, was wearing white clothes, but mine were stained with black dirt and something red. Everyone noticed and started chasing me, so I started running away from the park. Then I came across two ladies whose clothes were also stained, they looked identical, they had the biggest and darkest eyes I’ve ever seen, and they told me something that I can’t remember now but made me less worried in the dream. I’m sure it had to do with the stains and it probably was something along the lines of “you’re not alone” or something like that, because it made me feel stronger and helped me fight, quite literally, my way through the horde of people that wanted to kill me.
After that I woke up again, and then I had another nightmare, this one I can’t remember as well as the one before, my vision was blurry and everything seemed to change often. I can only remember walking into a building with many doors on the outside, I was accompanied by someone, but I don’t know who it was, they were talking to me about some things I’ve been thinking about a lot lately; like how I feel about not being able to see that person that I mentioned earlier… you know, calling them “the person that I mentioned earlier” is long and can lead to some confusion, so I’ll just call them N for no reason, just a random letter that doesn’t give out any information about them. Now, who should I apologize to for interrupting myself in the middle of a sentence? Myself or the reader? Apologizing to oneself sounds narcissistic, so I’ll apologize to the reader for that. I’m sorry and I will continue in the next paragraph.
As I was saying; I was accompanied by someone that was talking to me about my own feelings and thoughts, specifically how I felt about waiting to see N again and how my impatience would eventually make me give up on them. They said that we were going to a place where I could forget about it. Then I remember speaking to a naked woman, she tried to seduce me, but also said that it was ok if I just wanted to talk, but I don’t remember if I talked to her after that; I think I just told her that I was worried and then asked her and the other person to leave me alone. They wouldn’t leave me alone, they even crawled up to me when the dream was ending, I felt trapped, but somehow managed to get them away from me and woke up again.
The next one I can only remember as some images and a couple of words. There was a stage and the same woman from the previous dream was on it. Then I was on the sidewalk in front of the apartment building where I used to live, but next to the building was an old and abandoned looking house, almost out of a Halloween movie or something, and there was a kid telling me that they didn’t like my mom because she told something to someone, but I can’t remember what it was. That’s all I remember.
I woke up with a headache, confused. I spent some time thinking about the nightmares during the day and I came to the conclusion that they were some form of test, a test of strength and willpower, and I think I passed it. All throughout the dreams I was told to give in to my impatience, to settle with what I had and forget what I wanted, but I didn’t. I didn’t fall for the fake N, I didn’t get caught by the murderous horde, and I didn’t let the naked woman seduce me. And that’s what I’m gonna do when I’m awake, I’ll fight my way through my obstacles; I won’t give up, I will practice my patience, I will not settle with the cheapest alternative.
Everyone says that if something isn’t hard to accomplish then it isn’t worth it, and I didn’t have it easy on anything. Maybe everything has been this hard so far because there are great things coming my way soon. And even though I know that it will be really hard to get N’s trust and love, I know I’ll do it, and it will be worth it. Maybe I’m being too optimistic on the whole “great things coming my way”, but I want to stay optimistic about N.
That’s all for today. I’ve been thinking about starting an ant farm, so I could go read about that now, or I could go to sleep and hope that I will get some actual rest. Whatever, have a nice weekend.