N has been ignoring me since the last time I posted and even though I said I’d wait and I really want to be with them, I’m not sure that’s gonna happen.
I don’t want to give up now, I really don’t, but I can’t wait anymore. If they at least responded my messages saying that they don’t want to talk everything would be alright, but they don’t; they just ignore me completely.
Maybe I’m just overthinking it, but I feel rejected and I hate it. if they at least told me to wait some more then I’d wait happily, but I guess they don’t care at all about ever talking to me again.
I don’t know what to do. Should I give up or should I keep waiting? I can’t give up, because I said I wouldn’t, but I feel like I’ll go insane if I have to wait one more day… it’s not even about trying anymore, because every time I try to talk to them they just don’t answer and I have to wait.
On the one hand, maybe it will be best to give up. Maybe we just can’t be together, even if we are alike in some aspects we still belong to different worlds and there’s nothing I can do about it. But on the other hand, I know that when we see each other again I will still feel the same way about them, even if I try to give up. Also, I don’t want to give up, it would hurt my pride a lot; I said I’d do something and I can’t just take it back, I need to do it.
I really don’t want to mess up this time. I’m trying as hard as I can to not be mean, I’m trying not to be annoying, trying to be patient. I’m basically trying not to be the shitty person that I normally am when it comes to human relationships. I am willing to change for this person, I want to be a better person, but I can’t do it if they ignore me; I can’t try to be better if I all I can do is waiting.
I feel like a complete idiot. I put so much of myself into something that is disappearing. And it’s not like there was never anything to begin with; I know I had a chance with them, I know I would have made it happen, but just when it was about to happen, it all was taken away from me. And now I don’t know if I still have the chance. What if they got tired of me? What if I annoyed them when I tried to show them support? What if they wanted to be with me too but now they don’t anymore? These questions torture me every second I’m conscious, and now I’m questioning wether this was a good idea or not to begin with. I hate waiting, I hate being ignored and I hate crying over someone that probably doesn’t care about me.
So yeah… I feel like shit right now. I’m gonna have to find a solution to this quickly before something bad happens. This is stupid, really stupid, and I know it, and I can’t tell anyone around me how I feel because it is so stupid, so I’m leaving this here hoping that it will relieve some weight from my chest.